I recently took a trip to America, a trip I nearly didn’t take. My mother had just passed away the week before and all of my realities had shifted just a little. I actually went in the end because it was preferable to staying here and walking in a house of echoes.
So my husband and I flew to San Fransisco and after a couple of days, picked up a camper van and headed off through the wine countries of Napa and Sonoma. We moved on from there to Death Vally, then visited New Mexico, ending our road trip in Texas before flying on to Florida.
The camper van turned out to be a godsend. It was like a sort of bubble, not a hiding place though, the world was still very much there, in fact, it completely surrounded us. The van instead was a place where if anything started to overwhelm me, I would simply slip back inside and allow myself some space and time to first feel then heal. We drove halfway across America in a week seeking beautiful things, things that balance your soul by the simple act of just looking at them. The Black Mountains Artist Palette, for example, is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and sits in the complete silence of Death Vally.
We went old school on technology and all we had in the way of entertainment was the camper radio. The American radio stations are crazy with energy and so diverse in content. In the UK we have the likes of Ken Bruce, slow chilled out type voices meandering through the day, but the states have hyperactive ‘shock jocks’ desperately trying to keep their audiences from turning the dial by doing and saying one crazy thing after another. Finding something to listen to that did not feel like you were flinging your head into a washing machine on ‘spin’ was a constant, ever-present activity. When the music was good though spirits were high, we flew along with the tunes like a soundtrack that just seemed to fit.
In Texas we could only find country music stations and although I like the odd song or two I’ve never really been a fan. Twisting the dial slowly and getting teasing snippets of things, we came across a magazine show with articles and a panel of presenters. They spoke of education, rural water supply issues, all manner of things. It was fascinating to hear about the social aspects of American life but as we begun to drive through a gully in the mountains the signal began to fade and the last words I heard were “what happens when attention deficit disorder grows up”? And there I lost the signal!
After that, whenever my mind would wander to sadder places I would drag this question to the forefront of my mind and ponder on that instead. Where does attention deficit disorder go when it grows up? The answer? Everywhere of course.
In every business and in every walk of life some of the people, who as children, struggled to concentrate and to focus, now walk the corridors of politics and business. Their disorders have not gone away, but they have learned/ adapted effective ways to live with them, even making them work in their favour. In these arenas they can be quick minded people and their energy is palpable. Like all qualities though, this energy can be both positive and negative and it is the job of their leaders and mentors to channel and focus it but without attacking the spirit.
I have seen this energy at the core of some high performing teams, and with good leadership seen it channeled towards some very awesome outcomes. Whenever I have encountered high performing teams they always have at their heart, a leader who is a ZOUD Masters (Zone Of Uncomfortable Discussion) and one that through their coaching and mentoring, often have difficult, honest but kind conversations. They have also learned to engage and embrace the whole spectrum of human personality and to understand and care for the dynamics within their teams, honouring even delighting in uniqueness and individuality.
Dysfunctional teams can be dysfunctional for many reasons but often there can be an energy source such as this within them, moving around like an undercurrent causing a constant churning, meaning that teams then find it difficult to settle into their stride. These teams may have leaders who either avoid what needs to be said or instead use their words and actions sharply to make a point. This is a game that can never be won as both sides have different rules of engagement. So for example, I was once asked by a client to observe one of his team in an upcoming meeting.
“He never stops talking,” he said “he has something to say about everything, even things that are not directly in his area of expertise of understanding. Everyone is getting hacked off with him but nothing I say or do shuts him up. The guy however is a genius at what he does”.
I spotted him right away as I entered the meeting room, he was talking to a woman while intently watching her facial expressions as she spoke in return. I sensed her uncomfortableness at his close scrutiny of her face and prolonged eye contact but to me, this indicated that he may well be on the autism spectrum. Some people with autism can find it difficult to read other people’s facial expressions and so watch others intently in order to try to ‘tune in’ to them and make meaning.
As the meeting progressed he did indeed contribute to every part of it including the HR management information on sickness absence. Each time that he did the leader shot me a glance to be sure that I was ‘getting it’ but I tried not to catch his eye so as not look complicit to the rest of the team. Eventually, the leader interrupted him in mid-flow and affecting a very patronising voice and look he said “well that’s great XX, as always a valuable contribution” then looking at the others and feigning exasperation he said, “would anyone else like the chance to say anything?” With nobody responding due to a general uncomfortableness, the next agenda item was tabled and the fellow continued to contribute as before.
After the meeting, we went back to the Leaders office. He looked at me in disbelief ” well did you see that? I clearly told him to shut up but he just started again” I explained that he had not told him to shut up but had rather thanked him and told him that his input was valuable. I said that in these circumstances, with some people, you could not rely on your facial expressions to convey the meaning of your messages. As the words and facial expressions were not congruent, then for some this would be confusing and so, as a result, the words themselves would be taken at face value. “So what would you have done?” he said.
I told him in truth that I would have waited until our ‘one to one’ and told him genuinely that I loved his energy and enthusiasm and would have expressed how valuable to me it was that he always contributed but not all of the time. I would have asked him if he had thought about the fact that others didn’t/couldn’t contribute as freely and that he should also be leaving gaps and spaces in the meetings for other, more introverted team members to speak. I would remind him that conversations work differently for extroverted and introverted types. I use an analogy of crossing the road. Extroverts are bobbing and weaving across the ‘conversation super highway’, looking for gaps to join the flow often going to soon and having to jump back from talking over the top of someone, often just forcing their way in, while Introverts, well they are politely waiting at the crossing for the signal to cross. I would then finish by reminding him how valuable his energy and enthusiasm were. The overall message being that you are OK we just need to be sure that others are OK too.
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