So you know those siblings who you hang out with, that couldn’t be more different? Well, that was my motivation and commitment at times. My motivation always tipping towards the eager side, while my commitment tipped slightly towards the sluggish side. Like two very different kids sharing a bedroom, they shared the same psychological space differently and competed for resources and real-estate, messy in parts and tidy in others. You’d think they would have a joined up approach to keeping the environment of the mind, like a bedroom, clean and tidy, but they didn’t!
The problem was that my motivation enabled by many drivers a from the land of ‘trying to make the most out of life,’ spoke boldly out and made declarations about this and that but then buggered off and left my commitment and it’s more depleted resources, to figure out how to fit all in. It would wander off God-knows-where, to find something fresh and new to commit to, and the whole cycle would begin again.
I’m beginning to find the balance now because I I’ve started at last to work it all out. I am still motivated to achieve, but it’s the way that I’m managing it that is changing. I no longer look to appease the gods of ‘multitasking’ and try to do everything at the same time, instead now I focus on committing periods of quality time on just one thing and this is so good for the spirit and soul. I can now, for instance, sit or potter in the garden and just be in that space. Mindfulness and meditation are now the guardians of my peaceful mind and so the guilt of what I could/should be doing with that time never comes to call That is just so different for me?
Turn back the clock one year, and my mind was so active all of the time trying to make everything fit. I would sit in the garden for 10 minutes but then start to think about something less enjoyable that needed doing instead, like cleaning the windows. I would think about it so much that I would get up and go off and do that very thing. Crazy! Cleaning windows never brought any joy or happiness to any but the wee few, whereas sitting in the sunshine or growing some food would feed anyone’s soul better than Windolene and a chamois leather ever could.
I would be at work and find myself thinking about what needed to be done at home and then I’d be at home worrying about what was required of me at work. I was motivated to spend time with those I care about, but my commitment would be so exhausted or overwhelmed that I would withdraw early from or duck out of social events. The inner dialogue at this point would be that I was a rubbish daughter and wife for going out when so much caring needed to be done, I was a poor employee overwhelmed by work and a shabby and thoughtless companion to my dear friends.
What changed for me was practising Mindfulness and meditation; I can remain in the present moment and know almost instinctively in which areas I need to focus my attention. The joy of dedicating my mind space to one thing at a time is liberating. I focus solely on the task at hand while quieting the inner chatter. Another enabler for me is the principle that my yes should mean yes and my no mean no and that I should understand the value of both. I put time with family, friends, and dogs at the top of my list of things to do and strangely enough not overwhelming my commitment too much and by being respectful to my priorities and capacity, my motivation now hangs about and helps out a lot more than it used to.
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