Have you told a lie today? Statistically, you will have told two. So why do we lie? Well, it’s an evolutionary trait actually. Evolutionists believe that the reason we have such large brains is to help us navigate the complexity of our societies and social structures. The ability to tell a convincing lie is one of the key components of social intelligence and subsequently the key influencer in one’s social success.
When we think of lying, we think of it as setting out to purposefully deceive someone, and while that’s not wrong, it is way more complicated than that. Lying in the right way at the right time is actually about building connections and moving up/through the social maze, even to positions of great power.
Another component of social intelligence is the ability to be Machiavellian – having the ability to deceive effectively, while at the same time being able to detect deceit in others. But here’s the kicker, before we can deceive others we must first practice self-deception, even if that is only to tell ourselves that the end justifies the means. If you can convince yourself you are in the right, then you are much more likely to be able to convince others.
Some fibbers are obviously lying, while others are a lot subtler in their art. Some of the lies they tell are big whoppers, while others are little white ones; some are falsehoods, and others are mostly truths with some key details either made up or left out. We have damn good reasons to tell some lies and these can either be for self-preservation or even to protect/shield others.
You go to visit your friend and her 5-month-old baby girl. The baby is a hefty wee thing with big rosy cheeks. She is teething and appears to be sprouting her teeth in no particular order. Your friend has dressed her up in a bonnet that’s too small for her head, and it’s only succeeding in accentuating the roundness of her face. Your urge is to remove the bonnet and free her wispy hair from the two pigtails it had been scraped into, but instead, you say how sweet she looks. It’s a lie for the right reason, right! What type of friend would you be and what pain might you cause if you were to say “Poor wee thing, she looks just like Winston Churchill in a bonnet.”
Even if we are the best of people, we still lie. We do it consciously to gain influence or advantage, even to keep someone from pain. If we are the worst of people we lie without conscience; maybe even painting on the side of a bus that the NHS would get £350 million a week if we left the EU for example.
What of those people that pride themselves on telling the truth at all costs. “I call a spade a spade me.” Well if they don’t do it very well, the only thing that is for certain is that people will fear them, and they have very few real friends. People fear them because they are often rather harsh in their delivery and the truth they present can be stark and hard to hear. This can be because whatever was said, might be in direct conflict with the self-deception the person has been practising for the sake of their own wellbeing. In these circumstances, the recipient might be left with no option but to deny it or if that is looking impossible, try to discredit the ‘truth teller’.
The best truth tellers do so with kindness and genuine care for the recipient. If the truth is to be accepted, it must be delivered honestly and with kindness leaving the recipient feeling that they matter and are not being judged. It is a skill at Naked Training we call ZOUD mastery (Zone Of Uncomfortable Discussion). In this zone, we recognise that what stops a person from being at ease with the conversation is their own thoughts. “I would hate it if anyone had to say this to me.” “They don’t give a damn about the chaos they are causing.” “I really like him/her and want them to continue to like me.” “What if they get upset or angry and it grows arms and legs and turns into an episode of Jeremy Kyle”. Thinking, in turn, has our minds form strategies to manage the conversation, and these strategies then highjack the proceedings in order to influence the outcome.
If you need to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone then for both your sakes, get comfortable! Keep an eye on your thinking and notice when it kicks in trying to manufacture how the conversation should go. When you spot it, let your thoughts pass like a cloud in the sky and bring yourself back to that place where an open, honest and kind conversation can evolve. If you are beginning to think of ways to soften the blow or ram the point home, then you are floating off on your thought cloud and getting further away from the honest truth and the heart of the matter. It matters that you stay grounded because it’s your comfort level with what you have to say, that means the recipients are more likely to be at peace with how you say it. You need to practice controlling your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs because any truth said honestly and with kindness cannot, not be heard.
See how many lies you tell today including self-deception because, well we can’t have you lying to yourself about lying now can we?
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