An open letter to my friend

My dear friend

I sat here tonight and thought about you; you filled my mind. And while I was thinking about you, I suddenly realised that I don’t know with any certainty where your head’s at, but I think I could guess.

I know that we have never lived in each other’s pockets; that there has always been space to breathe within our friendship, but the connection was always there. We have stood for and stood by each other, and always relished getting out there, plugging into whatever and wherever the flow of life took us.   So here’s the thing, you see you’re in my heart, and I know how hard it can get for you because we’ve spoken about it for real, soul to soul. I know how the scripts go, and so I know the demons that you fight, I also know the capability you have to be hard on yourself. You, are your biggest tormentor, your thoughts drive your feelings, and then your feelings amplify your thoughts, and the flywheel turns.   That bit of my heart where you live feels the pain for you and for me.

This letter is not another rod for you to beat yourself with. When I think about you yes, I am sad, but now when I feel sad I just sit, I just sit and feel sad. Sadness then like all feelings passes, and my un-tormented mind can go back about my life until something like writing Christmas cards brings thoughts of you flooding back. So you don’t get to attach any feeling of guilt to me or this letter. Any story you tell yourself that is other than ‘I am rooting for you’ is of your own making. You are where you are, and you’re doing what you’re doing, and it’s alright that I am not what you need right now by your side.

If I were with you, I would remind you that your thoughts can be fuel for your fire, and I’d be challenging you on any lack of kindness that you might be showing to yourself, and trying to build your resilience for your struggles. I’d be encouraging you to turn off your mind and find your peace.  I would say to you if your ‘thinking’ makes you feel a feeling, you should strive to keep that feeling away from your mind, and just sit there and feel how it feels but in your body, not your mind.  Don’t give it words, don’t contaminate your headspace and fuel your feelings, just sit until you begin to feel the sensations lessen and the sharpness dull.  Meditate and your feelings will pass without your brain or happiness paying the price. It can be painful at first but without thought, fanning oxygen onto the flame, it does lessen.

Sine I haven’t written directly to you,  then these words don’t lie between us. You can meet me and say that you haven’t seen me in ages and ask me how I am. Such is the world today that this letter would make sense to the life of a great deal of the people who read it, and so there’s a chance that it might not support just you.

I wish you peace, and I send you love

LexXx